


ugly loneliness

by thelolbells



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Worried!PJ, sad!chris, set in 2013 when it was all kicking off
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-17
Updated: 2016-08-17
Packaged: 2018-08-09 10:33:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7798411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelolbells/pseuds/thelolbells
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>PJ had always been aware that Chris isn't stupid.</p>
            </blockquote>





	ugly loneliness

PJ has always been very aware that Chris isn’t stupid.

From the way he speaks, and what he speaks about, even when they first met, PJ could see he had an air of knowing about him. From the smirk on his lips, to the glint in his eyes, he could have anyone under his spell.

Sure, he was also clumsy and brash and a little confusing, but PJ was fully aware this added to his charm.

PJ also knew Chris had an uglier, inner loneliness inside him. A loneliness which steered him into madness and to live inside his own mind.

He never knew why he felt like this. 

On a night filled with cheap drink and each other’s company, Chris had spilled out to him the thoughts in his brain of _need_ and _lust_ of attention, of the euphoria of having people watch and admire him.

PJ liked the nights where Chris would admit things so deeply lodged in his brain to him, it made him feel like he was important in Chris’s life. 

He had smiled and asked why he needed it.

_Because my brain is just so lonely, Peej.  
_

_I want as many people as I can to see me and worship me and say - ‘Oh Chris, we love you! You’re worth something!’_

PJ watched Chris rise unexpectedly to fame, in an almost spontaneous way.

He also saw him become a man more encapsulated by his own mind, and the isolation in it. 

PJ watched as Chris almost obsessed over numbers and figures, the vastly rising number bringing him a dirty satisfaction which was all-encompassing. 

God help him when they fell.

A small blip, a slight quirk in numbers or statistics can send him into a depression. No answering calls, no quick wit, no Chris – PJ just saw a desperate man.

The obsession wasn’t the part of Chris which hurt most, though.

It was how he used his new-found power.

PJ heard the stories.

His reputation in their community of creators about his private life.

 _Go to Chris,_ they say.

_No strings attached with him._

PJ knows what they mean.

Chris told him another night, a night filled with expensive vodka and an empty flat, about how he doesn’t like commitment.

It didn’t take long for him to see that.

Every time he went to see him, which was on a weekly basis at this point, he began to see that he had a different person hanging off his arm each time, almost besotted with infatuation.

PJ wasn’t aware that their heads were drunk on pretty lies of fame and promises of commitment. 

Not aware that the bitter truth was that Chris would drop them when the rush of them being awed by him slid away, which was always in a matter of days.

Some were boys, baby-faced and lithe, hair messy and eyes wide. Some were girls, with high-pitched giggles and hickeys bright on their skin.

He saw the way Chris smiled at them – like they were a toy he could play with.

Some had liked PJ, as they had seen him online also. Some didn’t, afraid of the closeness him and Chris shared. They all became a blur after a while. 

It set a deep feeling of something in PJ’s stomach, when he saw Chris with them.

He couldn’t name it for a while.

Chris told him not to worry about him, when PJ showed concern. Chris seemed almost defensive when he did, as if he was attacking him personally.

_I’m fine PJ, why do you keep bringing me down.  
_

_You don’t have to keep seeing me_.

He stopped visiting after a while, but he still stayed concerned.

PJ noticed that Chris was networking with others more, big names appearing in his videos. He could imagine the _rush_ he got from each new famous face, and how the rush was what kept the ugly loneliness at bay, at least for a while. 

Chris spent so much time with these people that he didn’t call PJ anymore. 

PJ watched this routine of Chris and obsession and numbers and relationships from afar, from stories people told him, usually containing words like _unhealthy_ and _concerning_ and _inconsistent_.

It annoyed PJ, how much he cared about him. After all, he had nothing in return.

But he confused himself with what feeling, what emotion was dragging him back to a state of paranoia.

It hit him, one day, when he got a call from a friend.

_This one looks a lot like you, Peej. Come to think of it, he always keeps the ones that look like you round for longer._

PJ had sat there, eyes wide, and body stiff.

He had realised what force kept him worried; kept him always by his phone in case there was any news.

He was, completely, utterly, devotedly, _unequivocally_ in love.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! I'll upload the next (and probably final) chapter very soon! :)


End file.
